Some unsolicited opinions for the South Park guys

By Steve Graham

Casa Bonita has new owners.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone made it official this week: They will buy the famous and wacky Lakewood restaurant for $3.1 million.

The former CU Boulder students are best known for their debut feature film, the Colorado-based “Cannibal: The Musical,” though they also worked on a little cartoon called “South Park,” which is also based in Colorado (in case anyone missed the original short videos featuring those animated kids, they are worth a watch, but be warned that they are profane, sacrilegious and definitely not safe for work).

Illegal Pete’s in the kitchen

The food was clearly the worst part of the old Casa Bonita experience. Every patron was forced to buy a meal, a shameful number of which were thrown away. I don’t want to know how many dumpsters of food were hauled away from the back of the eatery each week.

And you had to wait a long time for that barely edible food. You know who can make really good food really fast? Illegal Pete’s.

Pete’s is based in Colorado, and the food is still sorta Mexican, so the name can remain the same. For those who are unfamiliar, Illegal Pete’s is like Qdoba but better and more Colorado-centric (you might not believe the difference mixing the ingredients makes).

I really look forward to exploring the place while snarfing on my giant hand-held fajita veggie burrito.

Illegal Pete’s also supports comedians and musicians, running a record label for local artists and offering free meals to touring bands. Maybe they can install a patio out front with regular live shows.

And yes, I know the name caused some controversy in Fort Collins, but that moniker fits right in with the edgy “South Park” brand.

“South Park” in the lobby

About that long wait for the food: At least give us some fun stuff to look at. This one is kind of obvious and maybe a given, but Parker and Stone should open the vaults of their “South Park” memorabilia and kitsch.

It could all be on display in the lobby area (they need to leave the main dining area alone — see below). Maybe no episodes on the TVs. It’s a cartoon, but it’s certainly not for little kids. But no harm in letting them pose with a cardboard Cartman.

Bar on the terrace

We’re not going to skip the burrito, but we have an idea for a little more flexibility. Use the comedy model and impose either a cover charge or a two-drink minimum for patrons who are more thirsty than hungry.

And make those drinks more accessible. Add at least one more bar. We don’t care where it is, but the old terrace should work. Just don’t put it near the lagoon. We don’t need chlorinated diver water splashing into our beer.

Exclusive craft beer in that bar

Speaking of beer, I would love to see some Colorado craft brewers make exclusive beers for Casa Bonita. Of course, the beertenders don’t have to go far to pick up kegs. Westfax Brewing is right next door, and they already make a margarita seltzer and a cilantro lima ale. Sounds like a perfect pairing for a burrito with cilantro lime rice.

And don’t forget about South Park Brewing Co. It’s technically in Fairplay, but they kind of need to have something on tap at the new Casa Bonita.

We also want to see local booze, wine and cider. You know we’re all about the Colorado craft scene.

Sopapillas in the restaurant

Other than that, leave Casa Bonita as it is.

Keep the sopapillas. They are about the only good food item in the restaurant’s former incarnation. Illegal Pete’s fries up some darn good taquitos. Surely they can make some sopapillas. I don’t even mind getting my own, if they want to skip the table flags.

And it might be tempting to can the cliff divers or update the campy show. But it’s an important Colorado rite of passage for parents to take their 5-year-olds to see the same weird and wonderfully mediocre entertainment they saw at the same age.

Also, what’s the point in being a dad if you don’t say cliched things like “wow, these caves seemed a lot bigger when I was a kid.” Enlarge the caves and you’re destroying precious dad jokes.

Well, Trey and Matt, we wish you luck. We will line up to check out the reopened restaurant when it opens, whether or not you take our advice. And you best believe we will have some photos and videos of Team Thirst hamming it up at Casa Bonita 2.0.